Are You Serious?!?!

My Take On Ashley Madison

Hackers did it again. Last week the hacker group “Impact Team” broke into Ashley Madison, a website which connects married men and women with another partner to have an affair, and leaked the personal information of the site’s 37 million subscribers. Ashley Madison’s byline is: “Life is short; have an affair.”

Are you serious?

Wait – that isn’t strong enough.

Madly In Love (1)

Sadly, millions have fallen prey to this deception, and now their names, addresses, financial info, and personal preferences have been exposed. At least 2 suicides have resulted from the leak and Ashley Madison is being sued in a class action lawsuit.

Noel Biderman who started Ashley Madison says he created it to help couples who are not active sexually get along better because the sex-starved mate can get their needs met elsewhere and therefore not be frustrated at their spouse. He says of himself: “If I woke up beside my wife and it was the 200th day we hadn’t been intimate with one another and it looked like nothing would change, I would cheat so fast.”

And he thinks that would help matters? Is he serious?

Ok, so if you haven’t already picked up an angry tone in my writing, I will just say it straight: it’s there. When I first heard of Ashley Madison and their byline, I was – and still am – livid! And grieved. DEEPLY GRIEVED.

As a Marriage & Family Counselor for 30 years I can tell you I have NEVER spoken to anyone who has had an affair that thought it helped their marriage. On the contrary, EVERY TIME it led to near or sure ruin. I can tell you of one marriage after another, from friends to clients, where this was the case.

What Biderman is missing is so obvious, it pains me to even have to state it: aside from medical reasons, military deployment, etc, if he and his wife hadn’t had sex for 200 days, something is seriously wrong with their relationship!

And him having sex with someone else would surely not help matters. That can only breed mistrust, guilt, shame, secrecy, disconnection, unhealthy comparisons, anger, resentment, confusion, and more. Much more. How can any of that help strengthen a marriage?

I know that there are those who are reading this that have had an affair. Please know that I am not angry at you. I am angry at the lie being presented–that since life is short, you should have an affair!


I know that when a marriage is in trouble, and temptation is strong a spouse may not see the lie clearly, if at all. Some might even believe that outsourcing their sex is good and helpful to the marriage!


A one night fling (notice the euphemisms we use) may be a passionate, pleasurable experience, but only for a moment in time. The regret will last a lifetime.

I want to shout:

Life Is Short: Honor Your Word!

If you have had an affair:

  • Though difficult, forgiveness is very real and possible. Ask for it.
  • Don’t go it alone. Get help from a pastor, priest, counselor, or good friends.
  • Read Dave Carder’s book, Torn Asunder, Recovering from an Extramarital Affair (whereas I may not agree with everything the author writes, there is a great deal of helpful material and direction from this book.)
  • Be patient with each other and take whatever time is needed for healing to take place. Usually the one who has confessed now feels a bit of relief. He or she has lived with the guilt for days, weeks, or even years, and now wants to move past the offense. But the party who was offended against, has now just begun their healing process. This cannot be rushed.

If you are not having an affair, read the blog I wrote last week to help assure you don’t in the future!

Once again,  “Life is short: honor your word…and have no regrets in the end!”  (Tweet this!)

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Please note: I reserve the right to delete comments that are offensive or off-topic.

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